Except that North Walsham rarely swings, not including the back garden of the Bluebell (the country pub on the edge of town), of course, where they have swings for children to, err, swing on.
In the heart of the town it is impossible to avoid the Town Clock, North Walsham's symbolic monument. This is the image on the front of nearly all postcards associated with the town. However, that is because the other things frequently associated with the town - being sick on Church Street, fighting down Black Swan Loke or a brawl down Brick Kiln (usually between spouses) - are not appropriate for the face of a card sent home to a loved one. You can hardly imagine the words "Great time, don't want to come home" written on such a card.
WHEN I'M HUNGRY I go crazy for a burger or a kebab, especially after 8 pints, and I do not hesitate to stumble towards the North Kebab House. The food is of the highest quality and is also ideally located beside the taxi rank at the bottom of town.
During the day if I fancy a quick bite (pie, mash and peas) I do not hesitate to head to Butterfingers - which is also ideally located right by the taxi rank for a quick ride home (Important cultural note: walking is a rarity in this North Norfolk town and is frowned upon by most).
WHEN I'M THIRSTY my first port of call is the White Swan. Sure the toilets might rival the worst toilet in Scotland made famous by Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting but at least there are a variety of local beers on offer, including Kronenburg, Stella and Foster's. The only problem is that these are frequently unavailable due to the organisation rivalling the toilet cleaning. I always find Tuesday morning, around about 1030am, is the best time to arrive to ensure you don't leave disappointed.
WHEN I'M LOOKING FOR INSPIRATION I make my way to the memorial park by the local high school. If I'm struggling for what I need, there are sure to be students swigging on cheap cider and smoking Lambert and Butler to remind me of my childhood. That usually does the trick.
WHEN I WANT TO RELAX I head to the King's Arms Hotel and watch a game of football on the big screen. The food is reminiscent of the scraps from a bin but the ambience is generally ok. However, beware, the food might not be the only scrap you see there.
Conveniently the pub is just 20 metres away from the North Kebab House, and that taxi rank.
WHEN I WANT TO SHOP my first port of call is Roys of Wroxham. The items of clothing they have on offer are inexpensive and will last up to two weeks before the seams come away. You may look like a geek whilst wearing their clothes but it didn't cost you the earth to buy. Plus you'll fit in like a real local.
When the BBC made the show '50 places to see before you die', including Angkor Wat, New York and the leaning tower of Pisa, a few years ago they didn't find room for North Walsham, to the amazement of most of North Norfolk.
However, I'm sure that once these experiences have been truly savoured you'll never want to leave.
